Monday Moanin' Blues

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15 years ago...

I hear Leesha
Singing in heaven tonight
And in between the sadness
I hear Leesha
Telling me that she's alright
        -Micheal W. Smith

It's been fifteen years since we lost our first child, and I can still remember so much, so vividly.

• I remember telling my wife Yes. She could stop taking the little pill everyday, cause it was time to get pregnant. Her smile is still burned in my mind.
  
• I remember my wife coming to the bowling alley, telling me she hasn't felt the baby move in a while. But that happens, right? I bowled a 300 game that night. It really wouldn't bother me if I never bowl another one.
  
• I remember hearing nothing on the fetal monitor at the doctors office.
  
• I remember putting my hand on her stomach on our way to the hospital, praying the most fervent prayer of my life....it went unheard.
  
• I remember watching the ultrasound monitor I'd watched so many times before, except there was no flutter in the heart.
  
• I remember remembering that during the child birthing classes, they told us coaches to remind the mothers that it'll be worth all the pain of childbirth and it'll all fade away when you hear that baby cry....I had to think of something else. Couldn't.
  
• I remember one of the doctors, who had recently found out she was pregnant herself, coming into our room in the middle of the night, sitting on the edge of my wifes bed and crying for her.
  
• I remember holding my lifeless daughter in my arms and thinking she had the most beautiful lips. Ever.
  
• I remember thinking no one should ever have to hold their lifeless daughter in their arms.
  
• I remember making the worst decision I've ever made in my entire life...and likely ever will make. I wish we would have buried her ourselves.
  
• I remember going to our apartment by myself the first time afterwards, and walking into the nursery...I've never cried so hard in my life.
  
• I remember walking down the hallway with my wifes cousin, and him telling me if I needed to talk, he was there for me. This was/is way out of character for him, and probably the most compassionate thing anyone has ever said to me.
  
• I remember wishing I could take him up on his offer.
  
• I remember coming home from the hospital with my wife and walking into the nursery with her....that was the saddest moment of my life.
  
• I remember feeling so very helpless.
  
• I remember my wife telling me that it hurt so bad, when she drove down the road she just wanted to drive into a tree to make the pain stop.
  
• I remember feeling so very, very helpless.
  

I don't know why, but this year it seems that Julie has been on my mind so much more than in recent years. This week, and all it means to my wife and I, has been on the forefront of my mind for the last month or so.

After 15 years, the pain has dulled. The sadness has receded, but not left.
The three children we have are a salve to my soul.
But even so...I still miss her.