Freedom of Religion...gotta love it.

The Bill of Rights protects our rights of religion by making it difficult for the governemnt to get involved with religion. I got no issue with this. As a matter of fact, it's one of the things that makes us a great nation. (Yes, we still are a great nation!)

That said, sometimes you come across people in religions that are soooo very bizarre. There was the whole Jim Jones thing, the Brannch Dividians with David Koresh and we can go on and on.

Many of these, like those listed above, are more about power hungry/delusional men who, as far as I can tell, don't know anything about the God I serve.

However, not all these wackos are like the Heaven's Gate wackoes. This is a story about one of those far, far out beliefs, that our lovely Bill of Rights protects.

It's hard to pick out my favorite quote from that story, but I think this is it:

Since then, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has gained countless followers worldwide, although there are those who remain spagnostic.

Count me in as an 'Unbeliever'!
rAmen

A Week At The Gym*

Dear Diary,

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear, sweet women) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school golf team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

Monday:

Started my day at 6 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess, with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo hoo!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a fantastic week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel great! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is very annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why, in the name of all good and just, would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

Thursday:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Friday:

I hate Belinda with the white hot passion of a thousand burning suns. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#@? barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the evil, evil women), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

*I'm starting back to the gym this week....this is my fear!

Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures- a phenomenon used to denote things (pop music primarily) that people really like but are often too embarrassed to admit to.

Guilty pleasures are one of the wonders of living.
It always makes me kind of giggle when I'm endulging in a guilty pleasure, when someone notices me, and I quickly cover up whatever it is I'm doing/watching/listening to. It doesn't make any sense. If I like and enjoy whatever that pleasure is, why would I be ashamed that I'm doing it? Why wouldn't I want to share?!
Why do I care what you think? I enjoy it, that settles it.

But the fact is, that's not usually the case. Usually*, I pull a stop and hide action. Switch off the iPod, change the station, stop singing what I'm singing, whatever needs to happen to make sure YOU don't know that I enjoy something that EVERYONE else thinks is goofy/silly/childish/out dated.

Now, this bothers me! I like what I like, and that's what I like. So, I'm posting here to come clean. I'm gonna admit some of my guilty pleasures. Not all of them, cause I can't remember them all. I'm sure I got zillions.

My most favoritest guilty pleasure is Neil Diamond music.
I LOVE IT when Sweet Caroline (bah bah baaaahhh) comes on the iPod. I don't know what it is about Neil's music, but it always lightens my mood. He just had a way about singing and great style and a wonderful voice. But who listens to Neil Diamond? Huh? Who I ask you? 70 year olds, that's who! No self respecting Gen-Xer would be caught dead listening to Cracklin' Rose. I'm sure if I get caught I'm gonna be forced to listen to some Nirvana or U2 or something like that, but I can't help it!
I also like John Denver (who helped inspire this post), Abba and Weird Al so there.

Cartoons:
My name is Donnie and I'm a cartoon addict. I realize that I'm 35, 36, 37, ok 38 but I've watched cartoons since I could remember. It doesn't really matter which ones either...I like 'em all. Growing up, I remember watching things like the Superfriends, Smurfs (which is a big admission in itself), Rocky and Bullwinkle, Popeye, Scooby Doo, Captain Caveman, Fat Albert and so many many more. I guess it's just a thing...I'm betting I'm not the only guy my age who still loves cartoons, though...Today's cartoons are mostly ok. I'm sure it's just like when I was a kid, some where drivel, some were ok and some were awesome. Today, cartoons like Avatar: The Last Airbender, Code: Lyoko and such are really cool and interesting. Sure, there's a bunch of JUNK (I'm talking to you Ed, Edd and Eddy, Camp Lazlo and Billy and Mandy), but still, they're cartoons...what are ya gonna do?

I guess the last one I'm gonna post about is talking to myself. I do it all the time. What's even worse, I argue with myself, out loud. I do it all the time. I think the reason why is that it helps me work out emotions, things that confuse me (no comments please) and situations I'm about to walk into. I'm not really sure if this qualifies as a guilty pleasure, but it definately fits the criteria. When I'm chatting away, and someone comes by, or looks at me, ZIP I stop right away. Sometimes I'll giggle at what they must be thinking.

Ok, so what. I bet you've got some of your own. Maybe you are a closet Hee-Haw fan. Maybe you eat White Castle Hamburgers...SOBER.
What are your guilty pleasures? The world wants to know!


*Sometimes, when I'm in the mood or in the moment, it wouldn't matter if Bill Ford walks into my cube, I'm gonna finish the Sweet Caroline chorus...ask the people who sit across from me at work....they'll tell you!

Song of the Turtle

For, lo, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone;
The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of the singing of birds is come,
And the voice of the turtle is heard in our land.

This may be the very first piece of biblical scripture I ever heard or cared about. Every year, on the Great Voice of the Great Lakes, the first game of Tiger Baseball Spring Training would start with this quote.

I am a big baseball fan and when I was a kid, there were few things better than listening to Ernie Harwell call a baseball game on a summers evening. And NOTHING said summer was coming like Spring Training and the Voice of the Turtle quote by Ernie. Many years, this first game came during the week, so I was at school (stupid school). But some years that first game came on Saturday or Sunday, and you know you could find me by a radio, waiting for Ernie to come on and tell me spring is coming.

Even though Ernie has retired from Tiger Baseball broadcasting, he is still invited to interviews to quote the beautiful scripture.

Most people look to that stupid groundhog to tell them spring is coming. For me, there are only two things that do it for me.
1. Spring Training
2. Masters commercials on TV

Well, the Tigers are 2-0 in spring training and you can see Masters commercials on CBS all weekend long.
Spring is coming!