Dieting Advice You Can Count On

Since the beginning of the year, I've been concerned about my weight. On and off all year, I've been dieting or exercising. I'm currently in a cycle of doing both, and very much enjoying it.
In doing this, I've learned a great deal about dieting, and many, many people come to me for advice regarding this subject. So, in light of this, I felt I should compile a list of commonly asked questions and answers. They are as follows:

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -- Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Food is fried these days in vegetable oil. The fact is they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

I, Donnie, do hearby promise and resolve...

Ok, so if it's posted on the net, it's gonna happen right? I mean, it's got to?!?!
So, I figured I'd post my New Years Resolutions. Play along and see if/where we line up.
1. Don't take things for granted. Family, friends, job. This is the year to do, not wish or try*. Like Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no try."
2. Lose weight. BP is 160/119 or something rediculous like that. That looks more like an IQ score before and after watching Dumb and Dumber. The goal is about 50 lbs. Diet and Exercise is the plan. I'm guessing we/I will be on the Adkins Diet, which has worked before and will work again!!!
4. Be better. A kinder, gentler Donnie shall prevail this year. The last year, I've been sullen and upset. Probably depressed, but that's a term that seems hard to define. This year will be different. More perspective, less anger.
5. The Longshot Resolution of the year is: Spend less money. It could happen.

*Note to y'all: xkcd is a funny, funny website, but you gotta be a bit nerdy to get nearly everything on the site.